Saturday, 7 November 2015

The latest epistle from the boring life of a writer (with swearing)

DON'T READ TOO FAR DOWN IF NAUGHTY WORDS OFFEND YOU!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

I was thinking about writing and what kind of a life it is. Now I accept that this will change if I ever manage to get a book published but until then it is the kind of life many would find deathly dull. You see there really is only one way to get a book written and that's to sit at a keyboard and hit the things with letters on with your fingers in the hope that they form words and the words form sentences that will actually make sense to someone reading it later.

You really don't do anything more exciting than that. Now if the miracle of miracles happens and one of these days the email I get back from an agent or publisher is a yes rather than a "we'd rather boil our own heads in battery acid" then I might find out if there is excitement on the other side. But for now I just keep typing, editing, submitting, and waiting for the inevitable REJECTIONS

Now please don't take this as any kind of depressive posting. It isn't. It's just the reality check. This is what being an aspiring novelist is all about and I am willing to put myself through it because the thought of holding a book WOT ME WRIT is too fine a prize not to strive for.

And it's why I'm finding this current book interesting. It's simultaneously the hardest thing I've tried to do and the most fun because I'm trying to fill it with euphemisms for all manners of scary scenarios and bodily functions. It's due to it being narrated by a wide boy, larger than life character.

S it's fun to let rip with a few expletives but difficult to keep coming up with them. I'm going to post one in this blog to give you flavour. It will be one of the tamer ones; I don't want to upset anyone. I think I've filled enough screen to give anyone time enough to stop before I get naughty. By the way, the euphemism isn't all that naughty. That stuff's still to come but it's a step in the direction of it.

EUPHEMISM TIME
It stung like a battery acid enema.

See I told you it wasn't that bad. Some of them get quite colourful but I figure if it does ever get published we can always stick a Derek and Clive style "Not for Sale to Miners" warning on the cover.

Right now to get to the point - boredom. I've started to do something of late that many tell me is not a good idea but somehow it seems to work for me, or at least it is on this novel. I'm alternating writing with messing about on twitter, posting regular writing updates and general silliness.

Part of this is announcing when I get to the end of a section of writing (I write my stories as a series of short scenes which hopefully link together and make some kind of coherent sense), when I hit a word count milestone and keep a running total of my NaNoWriMo progress.

The thousand markers I post as I pass have start to include the exact word (or when applicable phrase) that reaches the milestone and it started to look as though (nearly) every word that coincided with the next thousand was either rude or at least slightly suggestive. I got some interesting replies from these posts on twitter so I decided to make a list of them and go back and work out what the earlier ones were.

Now I did notice the mood of the novel has changed a little as I've gone on. It's become a lot more euphemism heavier as its progressed and I've got into the narrator's character so I will have to go back and umph it up a little once it's done but for now I have the list of the first 42 words than marked off the thousands. So what else am I going to do with it other than post it in a blog entry.

The list is below and this is where some rude words will appear for what I think is the first time ever in this blog. Talk about smutty. Anyway even of my preamble - here's the list

1000 kill
2000 asteroid
3000 crisis
4000 pedantry
5000 Exec
6000 freezer
7000 dick
8000 shit
9000 penguins
10000 Dogman
11000 fucked up
12000 axe
13000 Squid
14000 lapels
15000 maximum
16000 mission
17000 corpses
18000 breath
19000 concrete
20000 paperwork
21000 piss
22000 cheese
23000 slobberings
24000 admini-bastard-stration
25000 distended
26000 arse
27000 processed meat
28000 crotch
29000 allow
30000 morons
31000 teethnumbing
32000 Locust
33000 Ratshitsville
34000 spleens
35000 lemmings
36000 hara-kiri
37000 medics
38000 nut-clamped
39000 lungs
40000 Belly dancer
41000 shaved
42000 speculum
Now if you can work out what the plot is from that then you're a better man than me, and I've written the damn thing.

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